How The Resurrection of Jesus healed the loss of my Daughters

                                                                        

Most little girls dream of getting married and having their own little family. I wasn’t one of them. Although I did dream of getting married, I didn’t want to have any children. My sister was the little Mommy. She took care of her baby dolls and my parent’s friends babies when they came to visit. I wanted to cut my barbie's hair, dye it (with markers) and dress them up.

Especially when I became teenager and was boy crazy, I still didn’t want kids. I talked about having children with “potential” husbands, because every boy I was with I was going to marry, but in my heart I still didn’t want them, until I fell in love with Andy.  It wasn’t love at first sight and my Creator new that was what I needed. Andy had befriended me during a very hard break up. When many were against me, he stood by me. I got to know him as a friend and eventually fell in love with who he was.  We got married and three months later I was pregnant. I was so happy! I had a handsome baby boy named Caleb! I discovered that being a Mommy was one of the biggest joys in my life.  Then a couple months later I discovered that I was pregnant again, (Yes, I forgot to take my birth control :-0) but I was so excited! Caleb would have a little sibling to play with. They would be close in age and be best friends!

Then something happened. At 19 weeks I started bleeding. It was just my Mom and I in the house, I called out for her. During this time I  had to choose a new doctor due to insurance change and when I called the new Doctor, with whom I was having my first appointment within 2 days, wouldn’t help me. She said it was because I wasn’t an established patient.  Andy came home and my family gathered around me. Even my future brother in law came. I was racked with pain and heavy bleeding.

THIS WASN'T SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! THIS WAS MY DREAMS COME TRUE!

The ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital. The Doctor there was cold and unfeeling, telling me that I didn’t need to come in for a miscarriage. Things like this happen all the time. What? I thought! I’m losing my daughter?!?  I lost so much blood that when he told me I was discharged to go home, I fainted. The kind nurse demanded that I be admitted!  The next day I went home with a broken heart and no baby girl. Not understanding why God would allow this to happen. It took weeks of recovery.

Not even a year later I was pregnant again. This time I was fearful! I waited  to hear bad news but the baby was carried to term! I had a beautiful little (for he truly was tiny) baby boy named Benjamin.  Benjamin was so different from Caleb. Where Caleb had jet black hair, dark-almost black eyes and dark skin, Benjamin was fair, with blond hair and blue eyes.  It was another great moment in my life, but there was also a cloud of sadness in my heart.  If I had carried my daughter to term, Benjamin would never have been born.  Then again, just like last time, I became pregnant a couple months later. This time you’d think I’d learn but I really wasn’t thinking it would be repeated again!

At 15 weeks I began to bleed. Racked with pain I was taken to the hospital. A different one this time!!!! Where I was told I was having a miscarriage.

GOD!!! HOW CAN YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TWICE? WHY?

My spirit was heavy and this time recovery took a lot longer. My hormones and spirit were crushed. What was wrong with me? How come my daughter’s kept dying?  For months I was in this state of “I’m not really here”. I was a zombie. Taking care of my sons was about all I could do and when they day was over I was so emotionally spent I would lie in bed and cry.  I felt like God didn’t care an inch about me until a day I received an anonymous letter.

Usually I am one to see anonymous letters as a coward’s way of communicating. Having been the recipient of many negative ones but this one was much different. It read:

Dear Cynthia,

   I have been on my knees for you. I’ve been praying that God would give me the words to say to be of comfort. But all he has given me is this song to share with you. He has told me this is between you and Him only.

God Bless my little sister in Christ

I received this after church service where I had put on a brave face. I didn’t want anyone to know where my spirit truly was. I had tried to deceive them but the whole time some knew there was something wrong. And judged me for not “Having it together” after all I was the Assistant Pastors wife, but this one person knew that it was much deeper than that. I was sitting in the car crying after I read the letter.  My two baby boys sitting in their car seats. I popped the CD into the player that had come with the letter. Casting Crown’s Praise you in this Storm played.  The lyrics “I was sure by now you would have come down, wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day” and “ You are who You are no matter where I am” hit me deeply. I admitted to myself that I was bitter at God. He didn’t save the day! But then I was also convicted because in the midst of my bitterness and pain, He was still the same.

“God! Comfort me!” I cried out.  Then what I saw in my mind’s eye took my breath away.

 I saw two little black haired girls walking away from me holding hands with my Savior.  His brilliance and light was almost blinding. My daughter's were skipping happily hand in hand with their SAVIOR!  And then it was gone.

I stared at the parking lot. I was at a loss for words. I was filled with that Peace that Surpasses All Understanding that everyone talks about.  I realized that I may never understand why I lost two little girls, why I would never get to hold them here on earth but I will see them again! Because of the sacrifice that Jesus paid, when my perfect little daughters opened their eyes for the first time, HE was who they saw. They knew no pain, sorrow, suffering, anger, bitterness, disappointment and grief. All they will ever know is the Joy of being in the presence of the Lord. All because He chose to be the Sacrificial Lamb! For this is what I take great comfort in that I will get to hold my daughters for the first time while Jesus wipes away my tears forever. Glory Hallelujah! Thank you so much MY JESUS!

 And now I am the proud mother of little Nathan. Who was conceived after his sister went home. We chose Benjamin and Nathans name for their meanings.

Benjamin- Son of my Joy

Nathan- Gift from God.

 Thank You My Savior! 

Profound Innocence!

Something profound happened for me the other day. Others might think that it’s trivial or nothing at all but as a mother of three little boys, it is very epic for me. See, they are not just my sons; I am raising future Spiritual Leaders. Boys, who will grow up to be Godly men, in turn lead their wives and family in a Christ-like way.

There are times where I feel what I am teaching them with the Word of God and my actions fall on little deaf/blind eyes/ ears, but the other day wasn’t one of them. And I believe my Heavenly Father has shown me that through Him these lessons will prosper.

So here is what happened!! 

While teaching my son’s about the beauty and poetry of the Bible, they were wild and unruly. They were boys! I was trying to teach them from the verse, “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the Word of our God stands forever!” –Isaiah 40:8 My youngest two were captured by the words “Flowers”.

“Flowers!” They cried. “We bought flowers!” Indeed we had! The week before we had bought some daffodils that had not yet opened up. We placed them in water and the next day they were open as wide as can be! Like, they were announcing the Beauty of the Lord with their bloom. Sadly, like the scripture stated, they were sitting in the vase wilting away. They were fading.

My son Caleb ( age 7) walked over to the wilting flowers and stared into them. He touched each fading bloom and smiled.

“You know what,” He stated. “The flowers do fade away. God’s Word is the only things that never will. It remains the same. So, His Word is the most beautiful flower ever.”

My heart swelled inside my chest and my spirit was exhilarated! How could a seven year old figure this out? That’s when I felt the breath of God whisper in my ear:

He said to them, “But who do you say I am?”

Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”

Jesus answered and said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in Heaven.” -Matthew 16: 15-17

To me, this was very profound! What a great day in this Mothers life to see that her son hears from the Lord. That in his little innocence, a great thing many struggle to see, was revealed to him.  Now whenever I read Isaiah 40:8, I will read it in a whole new light. What I hold in my hands is not just a book, but the most Beautiful Never Wilting Flower of God. What a Gift!!

In the PIT! ( Part 1)

Hindering our Healing

These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:  A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil,  A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.  My son, keep your father's command, And do not forsake the law of your mother. Bind them continually upon your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you roam, they will lead you; When you sleep, they will keep you; And when you awake, they will speak with you. -Proverbs 6:16-22 

Did you know that there are two categories of offense?

1. Someone who has genuinely been mistreated

2. Someone who thinks they have been mistreated

In dealing with category 1, we need to take in mind the story of Joseph. Most of us are familiar with this story. Joseph was the eldest son of Rachel, the second wife of Jacob, and Benjamin was her youngest son, who she died giving birth to. Jacob adored Rachel. As a young man he was promised Rachel’s hand in marriage if he provided 7 years of labor to her father Laban. His future Father-In-Law tricked him and gave him Leah, his eldest daughter, instead. Seeing that what had been done to him he worked another seven years for Rachel. (Genesis 29) So the two sons born to Rachel and Jacob were the favorite of Jacob, especially Joseph.

Father’s Favorite

Around the time that Joseph was seventeen years of age. His father had given him the famous coat of many colors. Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of the clothing that was worn back then, I think of “Blah” coloring. Such as brown, brown and more brown, maybe even dark brown. Dyes and fabric were in limited quantities then. They made everything they owned, unless they traded. So to receive this beautiful coat of many colors was a sign of tremendous favor.

“But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peacefully to him.” Genesis 37:4

Now these brothers full of hatred toward their brother were not children. These were grown men. They knew the feelings toward their brother Joseph were wrong. Then to top it off, Joseph shares his dreams with them.

Little Brothers Offensive Dream

Now Joseph had a dream, and when he told his brothers they hated him even more. He said to them, “Hear this dream that I have dreamed: Behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and behold, my sheaf arose and stood upright. And behold, your sheaves gathered around it and bowed down to my sheaf.” His brothers said to him, “Are you indeed to reign over us? Or are you to rule over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words. Then he dreamed another dream and told it to his brothers and said, “Behold, I have dreamed another dream. Behold, the sun, the moon, and eleven stars were bowing down to me.” But when he told it to his father and his brothers, his father rebuked him and said to him, “What is this dream you have dreamed? Shall I and your mother and your brothers indeed come to bow ourselves down to the ground before you?” And his brothers were jealous of him. But his father kept the saying in his mind. –Genesis 37: 5-11

Joseph’s brothers wanted so much to be the favorite of their father. This is not literally mentioned, but you can tell by how much they are jealous of their father’s affection for him. Also, during that time, dreams were view as “Revelations”. Joseph was excited about this revelation from God. You can tell by how many “Beholds” he says when explaining his dreams to his family.

SIDE NOTE: Have you ever wanted to be the “Favorite” or “Highly Esteemed” one, in a fellowship or a certain ministry? You want to obtain a position or serve in a capacity that God might not want you to have? Then we become fixated on the desire to become or do, we completely miss the voice of God telling us “No”. Or we hear Him, but ignore. Then when the proper person, designated by God, fills that certain “Spot Light” we wanted. We become bitter, resentful, angered, disappointed, rejected, and spiteful and you can add whatever else you have felt. Even though these motives for serving are not genuine, we cannot help but feel them when we are in the flesh. This is exactly what Joseph’s brothers were feeling.

Now while the brothers are out in the field tending their flock. Joseph is sent to them. When they see him come they say;

They said to one another, “Here comes this dreamer. Come now, Let us kill him and throw him into one of the pits. Then we will say that a fierce animal has devoured him, and we will see what becomes of his dreams.” Genesis 37: 19-20

Is Lamenting my Hindrance in Healing?

Wow! So much resentment! So much hostility in their hearts! This doesn’t happen overnight. Do you notice how it says, “They said to one another”? How many times in our lives have we hindered the Lords healing by the company we keep? When we rely on the opinions of friends, in our hurtful situations, rather than on the Word of God? When we are hurt or offended by someone we tend to want to lament (1. to feel or express sorrow or regret for: to lament his absence. 2. To mourn for or over. –verb (used without object) 3. To feel, show, or express grief, sorrow, or regret. 4. To mourn deeply. –noun 5. An expression of grief or sorrow.) This is appropriate for when we are lamenting to God or a Godly friend that is going to give us biblical council. Someone, who will not join us in our misery and turn rancid with gossip, but point us towards the path of healing with understanding, Even though we are hurting, we need to be told what we NEED to hear and not what we WANT to hear. Sometimes that is painful!

“Faithful are the wounds from a friend; profuse are the kisses of the enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6

Even though we do not count or consider our friends, who do not point us to God during our rough patches, enemies. But we need to consider that if they sit and gossip about who has offended us, they ARE doing the work of the enemy. So are you, even though it may seem alright to air your griefs. We still need to be careful.

So with all this said in part 1. I would like us to think about how we have been offended and what we are doing with it. Are we talking about the person who has offended us like the brothers did amongst themselves?

“They saw him from afar, and before he came near to them they conspired against him to kill him. They said to one another….” –Genesis 37: 18-19b

Is there someone hindering my Healing process, by listening to me lament and not pointing me to God's Word for healing? Do I think I should stop lamenting to this person? Keep this in mind and pray during the week. Ask God to show us, who we are allowing us to hinder our healing.

Jehovah Rapha

We know that God is Jehovah Rapha “God Who Heals”. We know & have heard countless stories of God healing broken bodies. While reading Scripture we see that he is a God who likes to touch the lives of His creation. I have even seen Him touch the heart of a young girl with Cardiomyopathy and heal her from having a heart transplant. So we know that God can heal the physical makeup of Creation.
What about the emotional makeup of creation. What about my Spirit?

“But the Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one.” Psalm 34:17-19

Everyone in their life has been; used, abused, condemned, falsely accused, deservedly accused, gossiped about, humiliated, abandoned etc.
Or we have been; The User, the abuser, the condemner, the false accuser, the accurate accuser, the gossiper, the one who humiliates, or the one who walked away.
We all have or had a broken spirit caused by someone or by our own foolishness. Thank the Lord Jesus that we are not asked to handle these things alone.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2Corinthians 12:9

So many times I have said, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!” All the while God was saying:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I know you, the reader, might be sitting there thinking that this is easier said than done. Believe me! I know countless times I did. I even went through a season of doubt, wondering if Jesus even remembered my name. Then this verse was given to me:

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.” James 5:16

When I read this I thought of So and So and Who and Who. In actual reality God was thinking of me. “What sin God? Truly nothing to hinder who I am in you.” Then I felt the Gentle Stir that replied “Many sins Beloved.” We, as a society put a measurement on sin but to God, Sin is Sin. So whatever I have been harboring in my heart has been keeping me from my walk with the Lord. Even as you read this and our first reaction is defensiveness, our second-gentle stir is the Holy Spirit. God does bring remembrance of what we need to confess. Get out in the open so we can breathe and live. Now we all don’t have to join the “Confession Parade” and announce our failings to the world! Only to that trusted friend and the Lord Jesus….maybe…..*Gulp* to the one we have sinned against. *sigh* Hard one. I know. This for me is still a work in progress. No matter what we fear the outcome may be, we can be sure of one thing:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. Romans 8:1

Healing comes in many different ways and this is only one of them. Only one thing remains unchanged and the same for all types of healings. The only way we will ever truly heal is through the Word of God. No exceptions. Not even our wisdom can fully heal us. So we must admit that we need His Wisdom, and that is not a bad thing:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5

So, all in a nutshell, we are not defined by our fears, failures or our humiliations. We are defined by the Lord Jesus and that is all!

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10

Our suffering by the hand of others is inevitable in this fallen world but one thing will always ring true. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! NOTHING! NO NOTHING! CAN SEPARATE YOU FROM THE LOVE OF GOD! AMEN!

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27