How The Resurrection of Jesus healed the loss of my Daughters

                                                                        

Most little girls dream of getting married and having their own little family. I wasn’t one of them. Although I did dream of getting married, I didn’t want to have any children. My sister was the little Mommy. She took care of her baby dolls and my parent’s friends babies when they came to visit. I wanted to cut my barbie's hair, dye it (with markers) and dress them up.

Especially when I became teenager and was boy crazy, I still didn’t want kids. I talked about having children with “potential” husbands, because every boy I was with I was going to marry, but in my heart I still didn’t want them, until I fell in love with Andy.  It wasn’t love at first sight and my Creator new that was what I needed. Andy had befriended me during a very hard break up. When many were against me, he stood by me. I got to know him as a friend and eventually fell in love with who he was.  We got married and three months later I was pregnant. I was so happy! I had a handsome baby boy named Caleb! I discovered that being a Mommy was one of the biggest joys in my life.  Then a couple months later I discovered that I was pregnant again, (Yes, I forgot to take my birth control :-0) but I was so excited! Caleb would have a little sibling to play with. They would be close in age and be best friends!

Then something happened. At 19 weeks I started bleeding. It was just my Mom and I in the house, I called out for her. During this time I  had to choose a new doctor due to insurance change and when I called the new Doctor, with whom I was having my first appointment within 2 days, wouldn’t help me. She said it was because I wasn’t an established patient.  Andy came home and my family gathered around me. Even my future brother in law came. I was racked with pain and heavy bleeding.

THIS WASN'T SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! THIS WAS MY DREAMS COME TRUE!

The ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital. The Doctor there was cold and unfeeling, telling me that I didn’t need to come in for a miscarriage. Things like this happen all the time. What? I thought! I’m losing my daughter?!?  I lost so much blood that when he told me I was discharged to go home, I fainted. The kind nurse demanded that I be admitted!  The next day I went home with a broken heart and no baby girl. Not understanding why God would allow this to happen. It took weeks of recovery.

Not even a year later I was pregnant again. This time I was fearful! I waited  to hear bad news but the baby was carried to term! I had a beautiful little (for he truly was tiny) baby boy named Benjamin.  Benjamin was so different from Caleb. Where Caleb had jet black hair, dark-almost black eyes and dark skin, Benjamin was fair, with blond hair and blue eyes.  It was another great moment in my life, but there was also a cloud of sadness in my heart.  If I had carried my daughter to term, Benjamin would never have been born.  Then again, just like last time, I became pregnant a couple months later. This time you’d think I’d learn but I really wasn’t thinking it would be repeated again!

At 15 weeks I began to bleed. Racked with pain I was taken to the hospital. A different one this time!!!! Where I was told I was having a miscarriage.

GOD!!! HOW CAN YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TWICE? WHY?

My spirit was heavy and this time recovery took a lot longer. My hormones and spirit were crushed. What was wrong with me? How come my daughter’s kept dying?  For months I was in this state of “I’m not really here”. I was a zombie. Taking care of my sons was about all I could do and when they day was over I was so emotionally spent I would lie in bed and cry.  I felt like God didn’t care an inch about me until a day I received an anonymous letter.

Usually I am one to see anonymous letters as a coward’s way of communicating. Having been the recipient of many negative ones but this one was much different. It read:

Dear Cynthia,

   I have been on my knees for you. I’ve been praying that God would give me the words to say to be of comfort. But all he has given me is this song to share with you. He has told me this is between you and Him only.

God Bless my little sister in Christ

I received this after church service where I had put on a brave face. I didn’t want anyone to know where my spirit truly was. I had tried to deceive them but the whole time some knew there was something wrong. And judged me for not “Having it together” after all I was the Assistant Pastors wife, but this one person knew that it was much deeper than that. I was sitting in the car crying after I read the letter.  My two baby boys sitting in their car seats. I popped the CD into the player that had come with the letter. Casting Crown’s Praise you in this Storm played.  The lyrics “I was sure by now you would have come down, wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day” and “ You are who You are no matter where I am” hit me deeply. I admitted to myself that I was bitter at God. He didn’t save the day! But then I was also convicted because in the midst of my bitterness and pain, He was still the same.

“God! Comfort me!” I cried out.  Then what I saw in my mind’s eye took my breath away.

 I saw two little black haired girls walking away from me holding hands with my Savior.  His brilliance and light was almost blinding. My daughter's were skipping happily hand in hand with their SAVIOR!  And then it was gone.

I stared at the parking lot. I was at a loss for words. I was filled with that Peace that Surpasses All Understanding that everyone talks about.  I realized that I may never understand why I lost two little girls, why I would never get to hold them here on earth but I will see them again! Because of the sacrifice that Jesus paid, when my perfect little daughters opened their eyes for the first time, HE was who they saw. They knew no pain, sorrow, suffering, anger, bitterness, disappointment and grief. All they will ever know is the Joy of being in the presence of the Lord. All because He chose to be the Sacrificial Lamb! For this is what I take great comfort in that I will get to hold my daughters for the first time while Jesus wipes away my tears forever. Glory Hallelujah! Thank you so much MY JESUS!

 And now I am the proud mother of little Nathan. Who was conceived after his sister went home. We chose Benjamin and Nathans name for their meanings.

Benjamin- Son of my Joy

Nathan- Gift from God.

 Thank You My Savior!